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Feeling Good with Schmit

2031 Views 63 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  SpecialEd
Due to recent events I’ve had an epiphany and been forced to admit that the morals taught to me by my parents and all that I learned while in service of the U. S. Marine Corps is socially wrong and my parenting skills are totally lacking. I have such a “good” feeling about all this that I want to help others (and hence the title of this endeavor)

I am determined to mend my ways and become a functioning, productive member of society and pass any newfound wisdom.

Fernando has agreed to let me start this topic to answer any questions you may have about socially acceptable behavior and parenting. This will be kind of an Ann Landers type of thing. In my answers/recommendations I will first give what the old (prior to my enlightenment) Schmit’s response would have been and then give you the “proper” way to handle any situation.

I look forward to helping and for everyones convenience I accept PayPal.
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Dear Schimt

Dear Schmit,

1) My 9 year-old son wants a knife (Leatherman too actually) for his tenth birthday. I have a 25 year-old Buck folding pocket knife that I want to hand down to him but my Leftist, Democratic, Liberal wife says "no way, he will cut himself, he will take it to school and get expelled!"

2) My 6 year-old son wants to sleep in our bed everynight. My wife told him "only when you have a nightmare or are scared" so of course, he has a nightmare every night!

What's a Father/Husband to do?

Bewildered in Delaware

I'll respond in the order asked…

#1 - Old Schmit would not give him the Old Buck folder, he is too young to be responsible for such a family heirloom. The old Schmit would have realized the wisdom of him wanting a Leatherman for his birthday. As a male, he needs to be fluent in the use of hand tools and a Leatherman (or Gerber) multi-tool would be a very appropriate gift for the young man. However, the New Schmit agrees with your wife… knives, and all hand tools for that matter, are extremely dangerous and should only be handled by those who have years of training and only then in an appropriate environment (like a mechanic's shop). As such for an appropriate gift I would get him a couple gifts for his birthday. One would be a "Save the Whales" or "Rainforest" or such t-shirt. This will show his social conscience and he will gain new friends. The other will be a box of cookies… not only will these make him feel good but he can take these to school and make new friends.

#2 Old Schmit would have either forced the kid to sleep in his own room (under threat of "I'll give you nightmares of my belt!" if need be) or he would have armed himself appropriately (probably his Tactical Shotgun) and him and his son would have stayed up guarding his room until his son fell asleep, then the old Schmit would have put him in his bed. The new Schmit suggests you have a discussion with him explaining that you and your wife their own bed as does he. And for him to stop having nightmares all he has to do is think happy thoughts and all will be well. Go on to explain that anything bad that ever happens can be taken care of by thinking happy thoughts. You can reinforce this by having this discussion over milk and cookies.
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Dear Schmit,
I am planning a small Octoberfest in the Traditional Wisconsin German Immigrant Tradition. This means grilling lots of Bratwurst and other sausages with a few ears of corn for color. I want to make sure I am sensitive and caring of others feelings here. How best should I go about this?
Aaaaa Mad, being a Second Generation German American I know the Tradition of Oktoberfest. Now the Old Schmit would have had massive quantities of strong, warm Biers (malt beverages) of all varieties (Alt, Bock, Dunkel, Export, Hell, Kölsch, Lager, Malzbier, Märzen, Pils, and Weizenbier), combined with big, fat juicy Wursts, and other German delicacies.

But the New Schmit now knows the error of his ways, as soon shall you. You use the term “for color”… this concerns me greatly.

First off, you want to plan this get together at any time other then during the month of October. To be sure you are sensitive and caring about others feeling your “fest” should take on a “worldly” air. First send out invitations to friends from every ethnic group known (I take it you are inviting some Native Americans due to your current menu containing corn). After getting a list of those guests that will attend you can start planning your menu. Serve dishes that correspond with each ethnic group (pasta for Italian Americans, cheese for French Americans, Sushi for Oriental Americans, BBQ Ribs for African Americans, etc). You can even go as far as researching delicacies from each group (bird nest soup, monkey brains, churned whale blubber with sugar & berries, etc) and serve these.

As medical science has shown, and a group of Mothers have demonstrated any alcohol beverages are detrimental to accepted social behavior. So as such all liquid refreshments should be of the non-alcohol “Lite” variety.

I understand that you want this to be a German Oktoberfest and my recommendations may see somewhat off tract. But stay with me for the finale. After everyone is gorged with their worldly fairs trout out a monster sized extra large German Chocolate Cake (make sure this is made with non-fat milk, soy, sugar substitute and the like… you wouldn’t want to raise anyone’s cholesterol or make the sugar dependent or other such medical problems that are associated with “rich” foods). As a side desert I would recommend cookies.

Have a great Fest!
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Dear Schmit:

I know a guy who used to be a right-minded part of the warrior class, an unrepentant carnivore, and a proud member of the male sex. The thing is that now he's apparently turned into a tofu-eating, tree hugging, UN-loving, pants-wetting nanny-stater who just wants to get in touch with his sensitive side, give hugs, and sing "Kum-Ba-Ya" while holding hands. Should I tell him what a weenie he's become, or just have him killed for his own good?

Sign me,
A Concerned Friend

I think Schmit is having a temporary affliction and the "outhouse psychologist" in me suspects that it will take about 90-100 days for the temporary insanity to wear off!! :lol:
Schmidt.... I can feel your pain.

Once I had to take a "sensitivity" class which was required of management employees in my other working life. The thing that still troubles me is that virtually everything I ever said- or even thought- to or about my female employees was worth a $100,000 fine or 99 years to life.

Fortunately I no longer have any employees to discriminate against, but I'm sure some of our cohorts do.

What say you?

The Old Schmit would say to kill him, as quickly as possible!, for not only his own good but for the entire population. However I feel he, like myself now, is the exact type of person society needs and realizes how to be a functional member of this modern world. You have to remember we are entering the age of the below highlighted actions

For everything there is a season And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
A time to eat shite, and a time to eat cookies.

We are on the verge of a new, golden era, and I for one, like your friend plan to be part of the vanguard. This new world will have no place for the above unhighlighted events!!!... no place at all!!!!


The Old Schmit thought that sensitivity classes were for wooses that couldn't manage their own pitiful lives. But now I see that sensitivity classes are the best thing to happen since man started to walk upright. If you are totally and fully aware of others feelings you yourself will be one with happiness, the world will be bright, every day will be a holiday and every meal a feast!
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color me awestruck... :thumbsup:
This is the dawing of the age of Aquarius...

So Schmit what's the angle? I suspect you found a way to unseat Dr. Phil and make a buck... :wink:

Will we see you on Oprah? I mean will my wife see you on Oprah?

Dear Schmit, I feel it is my civic duty to vote but the only real choices are George Bush and John Kerry! What should I do?

Morally Bankrupt in Westworld
How about a write-in for our favority gunny?
Dear Schmit, my oldest son wants a new pellet rifle for Christmas.
Do you think that's okay?
Charlie Petty said:
Once I had to take a "sensitivity" class which was required of management employees in my other working life. The thing that still troubles me is that virtually everything I ever said- or even thought- to or about my female employees was worth a $100,000 fine or 99 years to life.
That would be a class needed by the fellow who, after being sued for sexual harassment for the sixth time, told his lawyer, "I just don't understand these broads, nice racks, but no sense of humor."
Ed - Fernando is already working on the Oprah angle. And there is no way on this earth that I want to unseat Dr. Phill. He is my newfound Hero and I am trying to emulate his teachings. If I had my way he would be Sainted.

Bubba - The Old Schmit would applaud you for your civic commitment and have told you that there is only one choice in the coming election. The New Schmit realizes that our Government knows what is best for this country and they themselves should appoint our next President. However, if you feel inclined to waist your time voting I would recommend that you write in Dr. Phill. This will serve a greater purpose. 1st When he is elected he will run the country the way it should be run and everyone will be happy and prosper. 2nd after the Vatican sees what great and noble deeds he has done they will make him a living Saint where he can unite the entire world.

Mad - The Old Schmit would not get you son a new pellet gun. If he has had a pellet gun for some time the Old Schmit would have said that it is now time to move him up to a .22LR firearm to replace the pellet gun. The New Schmit realizes that guns are extremely dangerous. As such no child should have access to one, let alone owning one, until he has reached the age of 21 and undergone Government Sponsored Training and then passed written, oral, physical, mental and psychological tests. Appropriate presents are T-Shirts, Cookies, Spa Makeovers and such.

JR - I pray that that fellow is not a friend. His statement has literally brought me to tears. Calling women broads shows his limited mental understanding of the fairer sex. And to call their life sustaining glands racks is just spiteful. What would his mother think?!? (Or to put it in his terms "What would the broad who's rack he suckled have to say about this?" He needs to keep in mind that one of the reasons behind the term "Mother Earth" is that Women are the life givers and sustainers, and being such deserve the utmost respect. I now truly believe God is a woman.
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Schmit said:
JR - I pray that that fellow is not a friend. His statement has literally brought me to tears.
Perhaps he needs one of those epiphanies, too. I'll help him search. Maybe there's slightly used one on e-Bay.
Deer Mister Gunnie New Schitt. Schmit,
I am a candidate for president in the upcoming election, and my running mate was a man I used to be proud to associate with, a fellow who stood a bit to the right of Genghis Khan. Now, he's had a "change of heart" (I think his brains fell out,) and he's become a liberal wuss. My question is this: should I choke the crap out of him, or let the Secret Service guys just blast him?

Confused Candidate

Please see my response to LIProGun, he has exactly the same problem as you to an extent. However, seeing that you and your "mate" are running for the office of President I have a suggestion. If the country knows what is good for them (and they don't) they will all vote for Dr. Phill. However, Dr. Phill has not announced his candidacy yet and may not run.

You and your "mate" can take advantage of this… it seems your "mate" understands the Illuminati's intent for the political body of this country and is moving towards that goal. Follow him. As you are already a candidate you need to start thinking of replacing key Advisors and Cabinet Members. I would suggest the following individuals: Kyan Douglas, Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Jai Rodriguez and Tom Fiticia.


Oh… and Richard, you might as well come clean with your sexual orientation as soon as possible… I have, as have others on this board, seen the pictures. There is nothing wrong with cross dressing if it makes you feel good. Doing so early will be a proactive move in your campaign… this will gain you numerous votes from GLF and NOW, Hollywood Star backing, and preclude the other candidates from mud slinging.
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