Letter to my animals

Dear Dog and Cat,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
either, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your
comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out
the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
years. Canine attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Now, In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the
following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you
can sell the results.