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The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
"Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done."

My mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!

My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

My mother-in-law is a well balanced person. She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders

I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law, I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years, then we met each other.

Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-law's door and asked her to shut her blinds.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Does it really surprise anyone that mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now?
She's fine, but the dog died.

My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

I don't say my mother-in-law is ugly ... but round our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up to the police.

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"

I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door .

What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law."

How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!

A pharmacist tells a customer:
In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

Mother to daughter:
Your boyfriend is such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
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