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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
 

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First day of law school: don't ask a question to which you do not already know the answer.

I was once on the stand, faced with an attorney who had forgotten that. he asked one open-ended question after another. I finally go so snarky, condescending and dismissive to him that the Judge had to remind me that those were the jobs of the other attorney, the one who had hired me.
 

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Coroners and medical examiners have been known get snarky after a few decades on the job. This one has been on the net for a long time. If it didn't happen it should have.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 

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I recall being deposed in a civil suit. Plaintiffs attorney started a long convoluted question meant as a foundation to sneak in a comment I'd after my original statement, which required an expert witness to explain the significance of parts of my earlier statement.

I interrupted him, stating I wasn't going to answer that question, and called him too cheap to hire an expert, and further explained why I wasn't going to answer. He came back with "I'll rephrase". Defendants attorney woke up and objected. When the judge asked why,there was a brief pause and the the comment that "the witness explained it very well". The judge concurred and sustained the objection.
 

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The attorneys were too cheap to pay for me to return to the state when the incident took place. My testimony was taken via telephone and involved both attorneys, a court reporter and the judge....or perhaps a special master or whatever the title they give to those who perform the function, but aren't actually judges.
 
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