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Over the years there have been many great one liners and comments from both television and film. Some more obscure than others, but they all stay in the back of your mind. Since I have Miami Vice on the brain right now, here is the first to start this off…

Miami Vice, Pilot Episode

Gina: "You ever forget who you are?"
Crockett: "Forget who I am? Darlin', sometimes I remember who I am."

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Magnum, PI

Thomas Magnum -

"I love getting mail - just the fact that someone licked a stamp just for you is very reassuring."

"Time has little to do with infinity and jelly doughnuts."

"My dad once gave me a few words of wisdom which I've always tried to live by. He said, "Son, never throw a punch at a redwood."

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·

Doc Holliday: "I have not yet begun to defile myself."

Wyatt Earp: "You gonna do somethin'? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?"

Wyatt Earp: "You die first, get it? Your friends might get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe, you understand me?"

Doc Holliday: "Why Kate, You're not wearing a bustle. How lewd."

Doc Holliday: "It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds."

John Ringo: "Isn't anyone here man enough to play for blood?" Doc Holiday: "I'm your huckleberry."

Wyatt Earp: "How are you?" Doc Holliday: "I'm dying, how are you?"

Texas Jack: "Where's Wyatt?" Doc Holliday: "Down by the creek, walking on water."

Doc Holliday: "It seems poker's just not your game, Ike. I know: let's have a spelling contest!" [cracks up laughing]

Wyatt Earp: "You tell him I'm coming! And hell's coming with me!"

Doc Holliday: [to Johnny Ringo] "Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave."

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Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes:

'Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?'
'No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'

'How's a beer sound, Norm?'
'I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'

'What's shaking, Norm?'
'All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'

'What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
'Going Down?'

'What's new, Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.'

'What'll it be, Normie?'
'Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'

'What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
'Daddy wuvs you.'

'What'd you like, Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have, Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'What'd you say, Norm?'
'Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.'

'What would you say to a beer, Norm?'
'Hiya, sailor. New in town?'

(Coming in from the rain)
'Evening, everybody.'
Everybody: 'Norm!'
'Still pouring, Norm?'
'That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.'

'Whaddya say, Norm?'
'Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.'

'How's life treating you?'
'It's not, Sammy, but you can.'

'What's the story, Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know. If she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?'
'Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'Another layer for the winter, Wood.'

'Whatcha up to, Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean pour.'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear.'

'What's the story, Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'How's about a beer, Norm?'
'That's that amber sudsy stuff, right?
I've heard good things about it!'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is 'what's going in, Mr. Peterson?'
A beer please, Woody.'

'Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No, for stupid questions.'

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·

Jon Baker (Larry Wilcox) [while putting together a team to patrol off-road] - "I'd like to nominate my partner, Frank Poncherello."

Ponch Poncherello (Erik Estrada) - "That's great. Because when we first met, I was on a dirt bike."

Jon Baker - "Uh, no, Ponch. When we first met, you had just fallen off a dirt bike."

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Assorted one liners...


Columbo (Peter Falk) - "Just one more thing."


Gil Grissom (William Petersen) - "We don't question the lie, we simply follow the truth."


"Who loves ya, baby?"


Joe Dwyer (D. B. Sweeney) - "Divorce doesn't make you happy, but it does make you eligible to be happy"

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
That 70's Show

Kelso - "The truth is out there, man, it's out there."
Fez - "No more for you."

Fez - "What's disco?"
Steve Hyde - "It's from Hell. And, not the cool part of hell where all the murderers are either, but the lameass part where accountants are from."

[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steve Hyde - "I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man."
Michael Kelso - "I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about!"
Eric Forman - "Man, we think of some great stuff down here! But, later on I can never remember it."

Eric Forman - "Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!"
Fez - "This is the proudest moment of my life!"
Steve Hyde - "It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger."
Michael Kelso - "Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art!"

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The Simpsons

[Praying heavenward]
Homer Simpson - "I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!"

Homer Simpson - "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Mulder - "All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien."
Homer - "Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon."
Scully - "Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I."
Homer - "We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?"

Homer Simpson - "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

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Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams - "A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck."

Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny - "When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

Harry Medved on Dean Martin - "Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing."

Joan Rivers - "Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."

WC Fields - "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
Truman Capote on Mick Jagger - "He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."

Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando - "Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."

Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel - "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"

W. C. Fields talking about Mae West - "A plumber's idea of cleopatra."

Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol - "Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"

Mario Andretti - "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."

Rodney Dangerfield - "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."

Oscar Wilde - "Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris."

Woody Allen - "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

Muhammad Ali - "Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up."

Gordon Sinclair - "If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else."

Rita Rudner - "The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

Henry Aaron - "It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf."

Ian Rush - "Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country."

Steven Wright - "If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

Paul Newman - "If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."

Steven Wright - "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

Walter Hagen - "They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken."

Muhammad Ali - "I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."

Billy Connolly - "Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint."

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The X-Files

Fox Mulder -

"Sometimes the only sane answer to an insane world is insanity."

"Why is it that everytime I think I know the answers, someone goes and changes the questions??"

"No one down here but the FBI's most unwanted."

"I saw elvis in a potatoe chip once."

"Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Mulder - "I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with someone else who is already naked."
Scully - "Maybe if it starts raining sleeping bags, you might get lucky."

Mulder - "Abducted."
Scully - "Kidnapped."
Mulder - "Pot-ay-toe, pot-ah-toe."

Mulder - "Brown Mountain, Scully, that doesn't ring a bell?"
Scully - "No..."
Mulder - "Brown Mountain lights? It's a famous atmospheric phenomenon dating back nearly 700 years, witnessed by thousands of people, back to the Cherokee Indians. Strange multicolored lights are seen to dance above the peak of the mountain. There's been no geological explanation, no scientific credible explanation at all."
Scully - "And, what does that have to do with these two?"
Mulder - "Well, as I said, there is no scientific explanation, but there are those of us that believe that these multicolored lights are really…"
Scully - "UFOs. Extra-terrestrial visitors from beyond who apparently have nothing better to do than buzz one mountain for 700 years."
Mulder - "It sounds like crap when you say it."

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Mark Twain

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."

"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."

"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

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Christmas Vacation

Bethany - "Is your house on fire, Clark?"
Clark Griswold - "No, Aunt Bethany, those are the christmas lights."

Clark - "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
Cousin Eddie - "Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark."

Cousin Eddie - "If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all."

Clark W. Griswold - "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!"

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear.] Todd - "Hey Griswold! Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"
Clark Griswold - "Bend over and I'll show you."
Todd - "You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold."
Clark Griswold - "I wasn't talking to you."

Clark W. Griswold - "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d***less, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah!"

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Al Czervik - "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it."

Carl Spackler - "I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit."

Ty Webb - "You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body."

Ty Webb - "Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny."
Danny Noonan - "It's hard when you're talking like that."

Judge Smails - "Ty, what did you shoot today?"
Ty Webb - "Oh, Judge, I don't keep score."
Judge Smails - "Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?"
Ty Webb - "By height."

Judge Smails - "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."

Dr. Beeper - "I thought you'd be the man to beat this year."
Ty Webb - "I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself."

Al Czervik - "Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity."

Al Czervik - "Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?"

Ty Webb - "A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a danish."

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Apocalypse Now

Colonel Walter E. Kurtz - "I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving."

Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore - "You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end..."

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Dirty Harry

[Harry Callahan has to explain why he shot a man] Harry Callahan - "Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy."
The Mayor - "Intent? How did you establish that?"
Harry Callahan - "When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!"

Harry Callahan - "I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?"

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[Brody has just gotten his first look at the shark.] Brody - "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Quint - "Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women."

Quint - "Here lies the body of Mary Lee; died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity; not a bad record for this vicinity."

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Mickey - "Women weaken legs!"

Mickey - "You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!"

Mickey - "Your nose is broken."
Rocky - "How does it look?"
Mickey - "Ah, it's an improvement."

Adrian - "Why do you wanna fight?"
Rocky Balboa - "Because I can't sing or dance."

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Hans Gruber - "This time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly."
Detective John McClane - "That was Gary Cooper, asshole."

Detective John McClane - "You throw quite a party. I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan."
Joseph Takagi - "Hey, we're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we got you with tape decks."

[Stealing the dead terrorist's shoes.] Detective John McClane - "A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister."

Detective John McClane - [recalls his wife's invitation] "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..."

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Ferris - "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

Cameron - "What'd I do?"
Ferris - "You killed the car."

Ferris - "I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?"

Cameron - "Why'd you kick me?"
Ferris - "Where's your brain?"
Cameron - "Why'd you kick me?"
Ferris - "Where's you brain?"
Cameron - "I asked you first."

Cameron - "The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion."
Ferris - "It is his fault he didn't lock the garage."

Ferris Bueller - "Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you would have a diamond."

[After hearing Jeannie describe her problems...] Boy in Police Station - "There's someone you should talk to."
Jeannie - "If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle."
Boy in Police Station - "Oh, you know him?"
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