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View of Starbucks (by Jackie Mason) <G>

1794 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  CJM
This is Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's. (Be sure to remember Jackie Mason's voice as you read.)...

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee, I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, & $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, & have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're finished."

Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.

And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot." But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special bean from Argentina....."

The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!! You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50.. Creamier: $4.50.. Caffe Suisse: $9.50.. For each French word, another $4.00. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon! in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without
cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it.

But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 & keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a $1.50, 2 refills, $4.50, 3 refills, $19.50. So, for 4 cups of coffee - $35.00.

And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were 2. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing & climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, & everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters & no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth 4 times as much!

Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, & it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents.

That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here."

Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour & a half selecting items, & then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, & you owe him money?

Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place.. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour & a half. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.
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A trip to Starbucks:

There's a twentyish-year-old girl with a shaved head, three earrings in her left ear, two in her right and a silver ball pierced through the middle of her tongue standing behind the counter:

Tongue Girl: Next in line, please.
Me: Hi.
Tongue Girl: Welcome to Starbucks. How may I help you?
Me: I'd like a cup of coffee, please.
Tongue Girl: What size, sir?
Me: I'll take a large, I guess.
Tongue Girl: We don't have a large, sir.
Me: Whatever. A medium is fine.
Tongue Girl: We don't have a medium, sir.
Me: Does your coffee come in a cup?
Tongue Girl: Yes sir. Would you like a tall, a grande or a venti?
Me: Vini, vidi, vici?
Tongue Girl: Tall, grande or venti?
Me: You're looking at me like I'm supposed to know what you're saying.
Tongue Girl: Here at Starbucks, a tall is a small.
Me: I do not want green eggs and ham.
Tongue Girl: The grande is our medium-sized drink. And the venti is our large, 20-ounce drink.
Me: So the tall -- which sounds big -- is actually small. The grande -- which sounds grand -- is bigger than the tall but not quite the biggest. And the venti, which doesn't sound tall or grand, is actually the tallest and grandest of them all. Do I have that right?
Tongue Girl: That's correct. Venti is our largest cup of coffee, sir.
Me: You have to admit this is a little confusing.
Tongue Girl: Not at all, sir. Tall, grande, venti.
Me: If I walked into McDonald's and asked for a grande cup of coffee, would they know what I was talking about?
Tongue Girl: No sir.
Me: Burger King?
Tongue Girl: No sir.
Me: Denny's?
Tongue Girl: No sir.
Me: Boston Market?
Tongue Girl: Do they serve coffee at Boston Market?
Me: I have no idea.
Tongue Girl: Tall, grande, venti. It's not that hard, sir.
Me: For a zillion years, a large cup of coffee has been called "a large cup of coffee." Why does it have to change now? Why is this the only place on earth where a large cup of coffee isn't called a large cup of coffee, but instead it's called a venti cup of coffee?
Tongue Girl: Because here at Starbucks, it's called a venti cup of coffee.
Me: I see. Well then, I'll have a venti cup of coffee.
Meanwhile a guy with a purple mowhawk and a nose ring is also standing behind the counter next to the girl with the shaved head, three earrings in her left ear, two in her right and a silver ball pierced through the middle of her tongue. he's helping people in the line next to me.
Mowhawk Guy: May i help the next person in line?
the girl in the line next to me steps up.
Girl: Yes, I'd like a nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup, please.
The mowhawk guy turns and shouts to the asian girl with the pierced eyelid who's running all the machinery.
Mowhawk Guy: I need a non-D Mach, espresso squared, twin whip in a venti!
Pierced-eyelid Asian Girl: coming up!
I turn to the girl in the line next to me.
Me: What did you order?
Girl: A nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup.
Me: I know. I mean, what is that?
Girl: It's a nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup.
I get the "you are so retarded" look.
Me: E pluribus unum?
Girl: What?
Tongue Girl: So what kind of coffee would you like, sir?
Me: Oh, just a regular coffee is fine.
The tongue girl stares at me.
Me: There's no such thing as regular coffee at Starbucks, is there?
Tongue Girl: Well, what kind of coffee do you like?
Me: Hot.
Tongue Girl: Mild, smooth or bold?
Me: Yes.
Tongue Girl: Sir, here at Starbucks, we strive to offer an eclectic taste of coffees to
Wenchells is better. Dunkin Donughts is better. McDonalds is better.
d&d is pretty good

wawa rules though
MAXIMUS2111 said:
d&d is pretty good

wawa rules though
Homemade is best, especially when the wife gets done makings her cinnamon rolls in the morning... :thumbsup:
If you're ever in New York City, try Oren's. F___ Starbucks.
lol DJL that starbuck story is great! it made me laugh so hard I, uhm whell... :shocked:
Starbucks is the single worst coffee i have ever had, i wouldnt ever dare drink another cup.
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